My son is 23 (DON’T do the math). He got involved in crystal meth in high school, ended up spending a few years in jail, and should finish his parole in two months. He is extremely bright and has a wonder, quick wit. He also has relapsed over the past year. He resists 12-step programs, counseling, etc — says he now knows that he can’t control even moderate use. Do you have any insights, suggestions, etc. on the things to do to stay sober? I know that I have ZERO control over this and I have surrendered to that fact (in order to maintain my own sanity)
Of course my initial concern is two-fold: first is with your welfare. I am glad you have come to the point of understanding your own limitations in regard to ‘control’-ing your son’s addiction. And it speaks volumes that you are at a point of protecting your own sanity. Living by example is perhaps the first step in helping your son; by showing how you have needs (your sanity, emotional well-being, etc) and are not willing to sacrifice them for this addiction, you are teaching a lesson I wished I had learned years ago. You are expressing self-love, self-worth, self-esteem, and rooted in your son’s addiction is a lack of one or more of these.
Second is with the given–this is just my opinion based on my experiences.
For me, the issues with guilt needed to be resolved before I could heal. First I had to deal with my mother’s guilt and my father’s guilt. Separate entities. My father I simply had to forgive. My mother–I had to tell her to quit laying the additional guilt trip on me by continuing to say to me, “I guess I wasn’t the best mother,” “I should have done this,” etc., etc. She didn’t understand that by saying those things, I suffered a worse guilt than the guilt of being an addict. So I stood there in the common room of the facility on the pay phone and said, “quit the guilt trip–I did this myself, this is about my addiction, not your mothering skills.” It doesn’t sound like you are at that sort of place, but I need to offer that up generally to let the parents/partners/children know that the addiction is the addicts.
Addicts own their addiction–no one else. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault. It was my addiction.
Also in terms of guilt, I had to accept the fact that I fucked up, that I wasn’t perfect, that I’d been a liar, a cheater, a thief, a manipulator. And that was okay. Because we were once those things doesn’t mean we must forever wear our scarlet letter. We can choose to change tomorrow, next year, or in the next minute. And we can fuck up again. And choose to change again. Sounding flaky? It could be if, as an addict, we make a game out of it with ourselves and with others. But for those who truly want to quit, it ALWAYS comes down to a matter of choice.
Addicts are human. We fuck up. We have choices: to forgive and to use or to not to use.
I also resisted 12-step programs and chose my rehab specifically because it wasn’t one. There seemed to be 3 types out there: 12-Step, Scientologist (those fuckers were manipulative and started brainwashing me on the first phone call–don’t fall for it), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Obviously, given the choice, I tried the last one, and perhaps here’s where your son can find some solace.
He is most likely right. He cannot control moderate use of crystal meth. I believe those who say they can are deluding themselves. I spent 3 years trying to convince myself that it was an option, that I should be strong enough to do so. And I’ve met countless people who say they’ve succeeded. Some in relationships, some individuals. But you tell me, if one of the partners has to keep it under lock and key, is that really control? If someone sets up a schedule of only doing it every other week, or…as the theory goes, if you can make it to 30 days, you’re not an addict—does that sound like control? Or self-delusion? What kind of person lives their life waiting for 30 days to go by to prove they’re not a meth addict? What happens the other 29 days of the month? I’m speaking specifically about meth. This doesn’t necessarily stand for other drugs, and I am of the mind set that I CAN control other things. I can control my drinking, but I choose NOT to drink VODKA because it is stronger than me. Sounding flaky again?
This is about what works for the individual not some blanket theory or practice. It’s about personal choice.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) reminds us that the power is ours. It’s not external. I believe some 12 programs that don’t teach the essential point that “god” or our “higher power” is WITHIN us is doing their clients an injustice. For some, just mentioning “god” or “higher power” is a turn off and that’s okay. That’s why CBT works. Because it’s all about you. It’s about your mind. It’s about learning how to unravel, untwist, and sort through the thoughts and voices in your head and putting yourself back on the right track. And in reality, it’s quite simple.
So many self-help books talk about it, and I’ve read a ton. But nothing ever taught me to reprogram my thinking–thus freeing myself from a lifetime of demons and a history of dwelling on the past–like CBT. We have the ability to change. Wow. We have the ability to choose. Wow. And every time we put that pipe to our lips, we’re choosing to stay where we are. Plain and simple. It’s not the drug, it’s the addict’s choice. Somewhere inside that mind, there is a strength more powerful than the drug. It’s a matter of clearing out all the shit in your head, all those voices, all those twisted thoughts, to get to the point of accepting responsibility for being an addict. And then deciding to change.
Easier said than done. I left rehab knowing I’d use again. I really did want to change, or so I thought, so I convinced myself and all the others at the facility. But in reality, I continued to be the manipulator I had spent my life becoming. And I used again. For me, it was necessary, because I had to do it on my own out in the real world. Rehab isn’t the real world. I learned the skills I needed to use when the time finally would come to actually quit, but I had to quit out in the real world, with real temptations, with real triggers, with using friends, with drugs in my system. Only then would I know it was my choice and my choice alone. In other words, the power was all mine. I had the power and still have the power to make that choice. Today I’m choosing to stay clean.
But, here’s where you could start to make a difference. I was enabled. Because I’m such a damn good actor (what addict isn’t?) and manipulator, I learned how to use without people knowing. Or it was subtle enough that they wouldn’t dare ask. I don’t know if they either didn’t want to know the truth or were scared I would suddenly start using or nervous I’d get angry. The point is, no one CHALLENGED me. No, actually, my best friend finally did. What could I say? I was high, and still talked around the issue, that I was trying to quit, that I was getting ‘there.’ I was still playing the game, but I realized in her questioning me that at least one person wouldn’t be fooled. So I had to watch myself around this person, had to monitor myself. And while I may have succeeded in fooling her again, I began to accept that this was becoming a game, and I was becoming a person I no longer wanted to be.
In her confronting me in person, I began to see myself for what I was. If someone else had confronted me, I might have gotten angry. But it’s how the confrontation was done. It’s not to be done in anger but in love. And then you walk away. Had the people in my life said to me, “prove you’re not using or I walk,” I may have quit a little sooner. I may have realized that my game was over and I needed to quit.
Tough love, I suppose is what it’s called. I like what Bill Cosby says about children living at home–namely: they don’t pay rent, they are under my rules, and if I want to inspect their room, I’m going to. Take the door off the hinges if necessary. Addicts have the burden of proving they are not using when they live under someone else’s roof. It’s not the other way around. If an addict gets upset, it’s likely because you struck a nerve. Why? Well, because they are either using or thinking of it. Sure, there comes a time when trust must come into play, but initially—there shouldn’t be any. Don’t live with blinders on and don’t enable.
A job, having to pay rent, etc. No one gets a free ride or too much assistance because that only breeds additional dependency. Too much time on an addict’s hands just means more time thinking about the addiction.
But again, all of this has to do with the mental process that keeps us in our addiction. Untwist the thoughts and you can untwist the addictive behavior.
Suggestion: despite it’s completely hokey title, go to http://www.spencerquest.com/SQRecommends.htm and click on The Feeling Good Handbook. It was our text in Rehab. Who knows what sort of counseling your son would be receiving in prison, but if it was support that insists that he has no power of his addiction, then he needs a back-up.
I realize I haven’t given much. No list of to do’s and not to do’s. But perhaps somewhere in all of this you can find some help. I do want to cover one more issue, but for another blog. This is way too long as is.
The issue: purpose. Without goals, objectives, purpose and a plan, we will continue to use.
Dear Friends and Fans, (please forward this on to anyone you think can help!)
